come what may

... hiDe and sEek...

2007-09-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

where are we? -----> there's no WE....

what the hell is going on? -----> ya, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON...the bad runs...

the dust has only just begun to fall -----> great!

crop circles in the carpet -----> what?

sinking feeling -----> i thought i was already at the bottom?

spin me round again -----> no, don't spin me back...let me stay on the other side

and rub my eyes, -----> and make my contacts pop out? no thanks...

this can't be happening -----> well tough, cause it is...

when busy streets a mess with people -----> don't people make a mess of everything?

would stop to hold their heads - heavy -----> ya, i know heavy...trust me

hide and seek -----> perhaps im both the hider n the seeker... messing with his head

trains and sewing machines -----> well, we all know which is tougher...

all those years -----> felt like they were just yesterday

they were here first -----> does it matter?

oily marks appear on walls -----> lou, it wasn't me...

where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, -----> if only they were warned about the takeover at their doorstep, perhaps they would have cherished the pleasure moments abit more...

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life -----> sweep me away...

hide and seek -----> ya, go hide and hopefully never be found...

trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here) -----> but they don't go together...

blood and tears (hearts) -----> at least they mix...

they were here first -----> oh, whatever...

Mmmm whacha say, -----> i an't saying anything...i'm not good at that...

Mmmm that you only meant well? -----> actually that was the intention....

well of course you did -----> or was i trying to convince myself...

Mmmm whacha say, -----> im typing...

Mmmm that its all for the best?-----> isn't it?

of course it is -----> i'm glad someone thought that...

Mmmm whacha say? -----> *silence

Mmmm that it's just what we need -----> actually i was being selfish thats just what I need

you decided this -----> yes, so i did...

Mmmm whacha say? -----> ...

Mmmm what did she say?-----> does it matter what I say?

random notes keep falling out your mouth -----> yes, i should just stop sending random emails...

mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs -----> i haven't gone there yet...

speak no feeling no i don't believe you -----> thats how he feels...

you don't care a bit, you don't care a bit -----> but i do...

*a nice song by Imogen Heap* it really is, minus my messed up additions...

...whAt riGht dO i hAVe...

2007-06-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

just what right do i have, to judge others? especially my patients....

i have been frustrated at work, at life, at myself... nothing new really...but that doesn't give me any right at all to judge my patients and get frustrated at them just based on my own opinions which have been seriously affected by sleep deprievation, self-loathe and discontentment wif my life!

some terrible judgements and (just hope i don't get sued!)
1) man in his 50s prolonged hospital & ICU stay, currently in remission... ongoing multiple issues BUT what right do I have to decide that the quality of his life is so poor that ongoing active treatment is just a 'waste' and allow the thought that he requires less attention than my other patients come across my mind?

2) young girl who has unfortunately been through a bad run with a few medical conditions and complications... tempremental, demanding, difficult BUT what right do I have to tell her to act like a responsible adult and that the world doesn't just evolves around her when I'm not in her situation or anywhere near trying to figure out what might be going through her head... do i know what psychosocial stressors apart from her medical issues that might be going on? -NO! and did i sit down and have a 'chat' to her to take a proper history like we were taught? - NO!

3) man in his 30s newly diagnosed medical condition requiring chemotherapy with hardly any time to digest all the medical jargon and treatment that we have bombarded him with... basically its "here's what we are going to do to you, take it or you're gonna die...don't mind the lines that we're gonna stick into you, oh definitely take no notice of those toxic drugs that we are going to pump you with which you'd get SICKER in order for us to make you better... and did we mention that you're gonna see us ALOT cos we'll definitely expect at least a complication to bring you back to us, if not we would be dissappointed." ... so who am I to judge him with his multiple concerns though they might seem trivial to me... it is HIS RIGHT as its HIS LIFE that we are dealing with

4) young lady in her 30s whom after a series of fortunate events (newly wed, fallen pregnant) has just been hit with a series of unfortunate events (the need to terminate the pregnancy, failure of treatments after treatments, and now palliative treatment) ... the lovely couple has never really complained or vent their frustrations at the 'cruelty' of life and when they asked of a letter from me so that they can perhaps persue some alternative form of treatment or opinions overseas, who am I to even think that they are being naive and unwilling to face the reality...but now I'm just hating myself for feeling frustrated at being thrown the task to compile her 9 volumes of medical records into one letter...i admire their courage and their strength to fight on as i would have just given up... i would have just retreated into my hole, pending Death to claim me

...lOsiNg my wAy...

2007-04-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

It is breaking me down

Watching the world spin round

While my dreams fall down

Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down

No more friends around...(not true on this bit)

And my dreams fall down...

Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?'

Cause I can't seem to hear myself

Can anybody out there see me?'

Cause I can't seem to see myself...

There's gotta be a heaven somewhere

Can you save me from this hell?

Can anybody out there feel me?'

Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my wayKeep losing my way...

Keep losing my way...

Can you help me find my way?

Losing my way

Keep losing my way

Keep losing my way...

Can you help me find my way?

i'm probably just tired, really tired... all these wierd sleeping hours have seriously stuffed me around...but i did enjoy the daytime off though...

...series of unfOrtunAte events...

2007-03-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

2007, a new year, a new place, things can only get better? - WRONG!
i'm awaiting a change of tide
i'm awaiting the chaos to ease
i'm awaiting the inner peace to reside in me
i'm awaiting that motivation who is stranger to me
i'm awaiting the sensible me to grow
i'm awaiting goals to consume me
i'm awaiting myself to come in terms with myself

...how much is too much?...

2007-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

we all know too much of anything = bad (love included perhaps)

Well i have a couple of 'how much' questions myself:

1) how much 'say' do my parents have in my life at this point before it gets to the point of 'too much' where one day, looking back in 'my' life and saying i can't live 'my' life because of my parents

2) how much is too much in medicine?

3) how much trust is too much?

4) how much faith is too much?

5) how much reminiscing is too much?

...chaos, mayhem and sleep...

2007-01-24T02:51:00.000-08:00

...home... somethings just never change...which provides a 'constant' in the midst of all these changes surrounding my life...

its good to be home...it has been a crazy number of weeks...and i'm just glad that i can find some form of solitude in this familiar surrounding

...the long goodbye...

2007-01-11T22:59:00.000-08:00

day after day,

time passes away,

we have been together,

year after year.

you speak my heart,
it's such a shame,
we're worlds apart.

but how long must we,

keep riding on a carousel,

going round and round,

never going anywhere.

I have been searching,

the courage to decide,

it would make more sense,

if i walked away.

but perhaps once again,

I'm taking the easy way out.

...slipping awAy...

2006-12-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

...Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and each moment is slipping away
I get so tired, working so hard for our survival...

...swArmped...

2006-12-21T04:34:00.000-08:00

first of all... ARhGHghghGH! i hate it when the blog entry accidentally gets lost somewhere, well not quite accidentally but from my lack of saving it...

anyway.... where is my 2 patient surgical list?!??! having recived 4 days straight & my patient list has rocketed up to 20 on monday....now that's just not a surgical list around festive season...and no theres no Mr McDreamy....there's certainly McDean though...

to add to my unlucky streak i was pulled over along eastern freeway for speeding... my 1st speeding fine ever... 3 points deducted the speed at which i was pulled over shall not be revealed... 1st parking fine now 1st speeding fine.. whats next? drag racing? *entertains the thought... fUn*

...life of a surgical resident...

2006-12-08T02:57:00.000-08:00

nothing like grey's anatomy at all...*phew*...i'm actually quite enjoying my job! i'm lucky to be in a fantastic unit and haven't had too many difficult patients...but loads of lovely patients who are always so generous with their smiles n winks

my tiny achievements over the past weeks:
1) been doing regular exercises.... bring on those steps
2) back onto my guitar lesson though i should really practice more.... im sooooo non-dedicated that guitar teacher haf to write a sheet with the big word 'HOMEWORK' on it
3) getting more committed to moving out! yes lou, lets do it....
4) actually reading books and yes theres this tiny book 'wit' is quite clever...

but on the other hand there are heaps of outstanding things but at the moment i'm satisfied...

...back...

2006-10-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

... person i love very much is back with us... almost, close enough...thank you

...lack of commitment...

2006-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

i'm frustrated with my lack of commitment to accomplish things....

half-read books (well, finally finished ONE book after 2 long months+)
not fully utilising the gym membership while i'm back home - was good for the first week though
procrastinating about catching up with friends till the very last minute... now i need more than a week
missing my guitar real bad...regretting that i cancelled my last session! missing the new neglecting my old instrument - guzheng
*glancing around* - a mess that i promised mum that i'd clean up
my bicycle with its flat tyres patiently awaiting me to bring it out for a ride along the beach
my living plans for next year.... i doubt i can be responsible for a companion (dog) i so badly wanted though
my wardrobe that needs some 'cleaning up' to make way for my new purchases - well at least i was motivated enough to shop

everything just seems to take so much energry to accomplish...i wish i can gather some strength somewhere...

...dreaming of my clear blue sky...

2006-10-12T00:18:00.001-07:00

i'm sleep lack from restless nights...
my minds tired of thinking about others...

if only i can have my clear blue sky
if only i can - not care
if only i can be a better person and learn to like myself more

if only... things might be better...

...bottled up...

2006-10-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

no fights no quarrels = bottled up feelings

i thought we were great since we never fight or hardly even quarrel or disagree but we do have moments of marked decrease communication and whatever communication that exists, its just so cold, so distant...

i just need your understanding once again, yet i have no idea what i can offer in return...perhaps its pure selfish-ness

...the best laid plans...

2006-10-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

yes, even the best laid plans can be foiled by unforseen circumstances... there goes my week get-away with Jia but theres no one to blame... as xiu said "you gotta do what u gotta do" and right now what I gotta do is stand by my family when they need me... I'm only a plane flight away... theres really no decision to be made...I can only sincerely apologise to Jia - for once again being the one who dashed the plans, for making him lose 1 week's pay, for being the one who is always 'running away', for being the one who always seem to be putting in less... there's really a whole lot of other things

perhaps what's not meant to be is just not meant to be...but hopefully, theres still another annual leave to come at the end of intern year... dare i plan again...

...a day off work...

2006-10-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

finally, i took a 'sickie' from work without actually feeling sick... well i was feeling a bit nauseated and having a slight headache ... but right after i made that call to the hospital, those symptoms miraculously dissappeared - talk about mind over matters... sick leave shouldn't all be about physical illness i suppose...but perhaps its just another one of my excuses...
I certainly hope that the night wasn't too busy or that they managed to get a replacement in time...another of my weakness leaking out to the surface, I've succumbed, yet again...

...sense of...DISsatisfaction...

2006-09-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

Just got back from yet another E.D. shift...i'm just really glad that E.D. isn't like E.R. we watch on telly. If that were the case, I wouldn't even haf mastered enough 'guts' to step in there to work through each shift... there's already enough struggle to get me motivated to go to work (my motivator is money for - guitar and training sessions, dog, rent next year or a house at some point, adding to that list, my 1st ever parking fine!!!)...more often than not, i walk out of the department thinking 'geeeeez, what have i achieved for the patients?' 'how much more indecisive and incompetent can i be?' ..... and 'how much more lies about myself can i tell those people doing interviews, trying desperately to 'sell' myself...

E.D. just isn't for me.... it can potentially be such a great big learning experience but so, is the opportunity just not presenting itself or am i subconsciously dodging all of them? or E.D. can simply induce the feeling that 6 years of med school hasn't even make me any bit more valuable to the E.D. than a volunteer who runs around chatting to patients, making them drinks...

it's one of those days...where i just wanna come home and find some consolation in a dog, MY dog... somehow i believe they just know without the need for words to be exchanged...

...here we go again...

2006-09-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

that's right, here we go again *confession-3rd blog that i've started* no it's not that i've forgotten the passwords or that the page has dissapeared or anything like that, it's simply the lack of perseverance... just like many things in my life *sure hope guitars not gonna be added to that list of things*

-hAppy bElAted biRthdAy mIn and Group A loves ya- talking about min's bday, what a BIG BIG BIG night, no hair lighting experience this time, perhaps just a drunken sailor gait! It was indeed an eye-opening night for me! I have liver enzymes in me that are simply waiting to be challenged.... 1 cocktail and 3 shots in a couple of hours i reckon i've done pretty well for a relatively alcohol naive person... dare i add - had a few puffs of cigarettes too *i am soooooo glad my parents aren't brushing up on their internet skills*! well, pre and post-puffs came to the same conclusion - smoking just isn't my thing...but puffing ciggis out on my balcony with min n chi... highlighted the beauty of my small small balcony that overlooks a tiny-whiny-bit of the city...it was indeed a brilliant night, considering my mood post emergency shift was a little crap though i believe towards the end of the night i was abit emotional about somethings...(nah it's not about dogs that i soooo badly want)

-min chi & flower sparkler-

more to come i promise... perfect excuse to do this rather than something else like *finances-tax, salary packaging; or tidying up the never-dissapearing mess* when will i run out of excuses? never - exactly