... hiDe and sEek...

where are we? -----> there's no WE....

what the hell is going on? -----> ya, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON...the bad runs...

the dust has only just begun to fall -----> great!

crop circles in the carpet -----> what?

sinking feeling -----> i thought i was already at the bottom?

spin me round again -----> no, don't spin me back...let me stay on the other side

and rub my eyes, -----> and make my contacts pop out? no thanks...

this can't be happening -----> well tough, cause it is...

when busy streets a mess with people -----> don't people make a mess of everything?

would stop to hold their heads - heavy -----> ya, i know heavy...trust me

hide and seek -----> perhaps im both the hider n the seeker... messing with his head

trains and sewing machines -----> well, we all know which is tougher...

all those years -----> felt like they were just yesterday

they were here first -----> does it matter?

oily marks appear on walls -----> lou, it wasn't me...

where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, -----> if only they were warned about the takeover at their doorstep, perhaps they would have cherished the pleasure moments abit more...

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life -----> sweep me away...

hide and seek -----> ya, go hide and hopefully never be found...

trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here) -----> but they don't go together...

blood and tears (hearts) -----> at least they mix...

they were here first -----> oh, whatever...

Mmmm whacha say, -----> i an't saying anything...i'm not good at that...

Mmmm that you only meant well? -----> actually that was the intention....

well of course you did -----> or was i trying to convince myself...

Mmmm whacha say, -----> im typing...

Mmmm that its all for the best?-----> isn't it?

of course it is -----> i'm glad someone thought that...

Mmmm whacha say? -----> *silence

Mmmm that it's just what we need -----> actually i was being selfish thats just what I need

you decided this -----> yes, so i did...

Mmmm whacha say? -----> ...

Mmmm what did she say?-----> does it matter what I say?

random notes keep falling out your mouth -----> yes, i should just stop sending random emails...

mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs -----> i haven't gone there yet...

speak no feeling no i don't believe you -----> thats how he feels...

you don't care a bit, you don't care a bit -----> but i do...

*a nice song by Imogen Heap* it really is, minus my messed up additions...

...whAt riGht dO i hAVe...

just what right do i have, to judge others? especially my patients....

i have been frustrated at work, at life, at myself... nothing new really...but that doesn't give me any right at all to judge my patients and get frustrated at them just based on my own opinions which have been seriously affected by sleep deprievation, self-loathe and discontentment wif my life!

some terrible judgements and (just hope i don't get sued!)
1) man in his 50s prolonged hospital & ICU stay, currently in remission... ongoing multiple issues BUT what right do I have to decide that the quality of his life is so poor that ongoing active treatment is just a 'waste' and allow the thought that he requires less attention than my other patients come across my mind?

2) young girl who has unfortunately been through a bad run with a few medical conditions and complications... tempremental, demanding, difficult BUT what right do I have to tell her to act like a responsible adult and that the world doesn't just evolves around her when I'm not in her situation or anywhere near trying to figure out what might be going through her head... do i know what psychosocial stressors apart from her medical issues that might be going on? -NO! and did i sit down and have a 'chat' to her to take a proper history like we were taught? - NO!

3) man in his 30s newly diagnosed medical condition requiring chemotherapy with hardly any time to digest all the medical jargon and treatment that we have bombarded him with... basically its "here's what we are going to do to you, take it or you're gonna die...don't mind the lines that we're gonna stick into you, oh definitely take no notice of those toxic drugs that we are going to pump you with which you'd get SICKER in order for us to make you better... and did we mention that you're gonna see us ALOT cos we'll definitely expect at least a complication to bring you back to us, if not we would be dissappointed." ... so who am I to judge him with his multiple concerns though they might seem trivial to me... it is HIS RIGHT as its HIS LIFE that we are dealing with

4) young lady in her 30s whom after a series of fortunate events (newly wed, fallen pregnant) has just been hit with a series of unfortunate events (the need to terminate the pregnancy, failure of treatments after treatments, and now palliative treatment) ... the lovely couple has never really complained or vent their frustrations at the 'cruelty' of life and when they asked of a letter from me so that they can perhaps persue some alternative form of treatment or opinions overseas, who am I to even think that they are being naive and unwilling to face the reality...but now I'm just hating myself for feeling frustrated at being thrown the task to compile her 9 volumes of medical records into one letter...i admire their courage and their strength to fight on as i would have just given up... i would have just retreated into my hole, pending Death to claim me

...lOsiNg my wAy...

It is breaking me down

Watching the world spin round

While my dreams fall down

Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down

No more friends around...(not true on this bit)

And my dreams fall down...

Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?'

Cause I can't seem to hear myself

Can anybody out there see me?'

Cause I can't seem to see myself...

There's gotta be a heaven somewhere

Can you save me from this hell?

Can anybody out there feel me?'

Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my wayKeep losing my way...

Keep losing my way...

Can you help me find my way?

Losing my way

Keep losing my way

Keep losing my way...

Can you help me find my way?

i'm probably just tired, really tired... all these wierd sleeping hours have seriously stuffed me around...but i did enjoy the daytime off though...

...series of unfOrtunAte events...

2007, a new year, a new place, things can only get better? - WRONG!
i'm awaiting a change of tide
i'm awaiting the chaos to ease
i'm awaiting the inner peace to reside in me
i'm awaiting that motivation who is stranger to me
i'm awaiting the sensible me to grow
i'm awaiting goals to consume me
i'm awaiting myself to come in terms with myself

...how much is too much?...

we all know too much of anything = bad (love included perhaps)

Well i have a couple of 'how much' questions myself:

1) how much 'say' do my parents have in my life at this point before it gets to the point of 'too much' where one day, looking back in 'my' life and saying i can't live 'my' life because of my parents

2) how much is too much in medicine?

3) how much trust is too much?

4) how much faith is too much?

5) how much reminiscing is too much?

...chaos, mayhem and sleep...

...home... somethings just never change...which provides a 'constant' in the midst of all these changes surrounding my life...

its good to be home...it has been a crazy number of weeks...and i'm just glad that i can find some form of solitude in this familiar surrounding

...the long goodbye...

day after day,

time passes away,

we have been together,

year after year.

you speak my heart,
it's such a shame,
we're worlds apart.

but how long must we,

keep riding on a carousel,

going round and round,

never going anywhere.

I have been searching,

the courage to decide,

it would make more sense,

if i walked away.

but perhaps once again,

I'm taking the easy way out.